


Wreck This Heart

by KissedByNightshade



Category: Bleach
Genre: Academy Era, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 08:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7883698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KissedByNightshade/pseuds/KissedByNightshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We are the reckless, wild youth<br/>Chasing visions of our futures<br/>One day we'll reveal the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wreck This Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a drabble and got way out of hand. Renji is such an interesting, frustrating character to write — very nuanced and cathartic. 
> 
> I very much appreciate kudos and comments! Let me know what you think.
> 
> Summary is from "Youth" by Daughter. A very good song for the Class of 2066 and their colleagues.

 

When Renji wakes up, it’s with morning breath on his tongue, with a foot sticking out from under the blankets and eyes coated in fog. It’s too early, he decides, way earlier than anyone has the right to be awake; and if not for the sounds of Kira in their bathroom, he would roll right over and go back to sleep. As it is, he makes himself sit up, tuck bare feet into tabi, and cross the room to the window. 

Frost, unseasonably early, creeps up the glass to crest at the places where the window isn’t quite airtight. Squinting at the dawn, Renji tries to make out shapes against the brightness. He gives up just as Izuru emerges from the bathroom, and he turns away, back to the room.

“Abarai-kun, we have to hurry!” Renji has to squint to see him, too; he’s already dressed and ready to go, while here _he_ is, still in his sleeping yukata. “Breakfast is only for twenty more minutes–"

“I know,” he grates out. Izuru’s already in the bathroom again, fixing up that shiny blond hair of his, so Renji shrugs out of the tattered garment and pulls on his uniform from yesterday. Pulls shoes onto his feet and ties his hair back and gives the mirror a defeated glance on the way out.

As they close and lock their room, Izuru is giving Renji a measured look. Renji bites back his instinctual ‘what?’ at the scrutiny. “Abarai-kun… if you wanted me to help with your hair, I don’t mind! You just have to ask."

“…thanks.” Not that Renji would ever ask him for something like that. Even so, the second Izuru looks the other direction, Renji smoothes over the top of his ponytail with a palmful of spit. Just in case. 

The trees are dropping their leaves in the autumn air, and Momo runs out of the courtyard crowd, sneezing. Despite her obvious runny nose, she beams at them and sets a leaf the size of her hand on Izuru’s head, making him squawk. Renji can’t even crack a smile. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

By the time they get out of class for the morning, Hinamori still hasn’t stopped sneezing, and Kira, who Renji guesses is just an all-around saint, is busy fussing over her. Renji loses patience and goes ahead to the mess hall and brings back a glass of water, which Momo accepts gratefully. 

It’s not her fault she has a cold, he tells himself. It’s also not her fault that Law and Legislation class could put the most dedicated student to sleep — well, any other dedicated student besides Kira, who has to nudge Renji in the side every so often. To be fair, Izuru looks pretty damn bored most days, even as he dutifully copies down the notes that they’ll later turn into flashcards and other colorful bullshit to study. But, between Izuru’s scribbling and Momo’s sneezing and the professor’s droning and his own leg bouncing up and down, Renji is pretty sure that he didn’t pick up a single word of the lecture. 

Their tree has a carpet of orange and red, and as they eat their lunch, Izuru picks the tiny leaves up, one by one, staring at them under the bright October sunlight. “Y’ gonna eat one?” Renji gripes, and it both relieves and annoys him when Izuru laughs, their shoulders brushing. 

“Only if you do it first,” Hinamori says from Izuru’s other side, tossing a handful of the small leaves into his empty dish. Then she sneezes again.

Renji sticks his head out to see Hinamori sitting on the other side of Kira, concern and annoyance battling for attention. “I’m not eating your dirty sick leaves! You do it."

Hinamori has a leaf halfway to her mouth when Izuru interrupts. “Hey, is that Hisagi-senpai?” 

They look where he’s pointing. Hisagi stands out amongst the chattering Academy students like a crow amongst pigeons, dressed in the black shihakusho of a shinigami. Gaggles of students stand around gaping while the newly-minted officer turns his head from side to side, clearly looking for someone.  

Renji’s eyes narrow. It’s not that they haven’t seen him over the course of the past four years, it’s just… Why exactly is he here? His eyes dart to Izuru, whose face is beginning to break into a smile.

Right. He’s their senpai, after all. It makes sense for Izuru to like him. And for _Renji_ to like him. Which means he needs to stop scowling at the guy, who’s seen them and is walking this way–

“Senpai!” Predictably, Izuru is jumping out of his hakama to sit up straight as Hisagi comes to a stop in front of them. Not literally, but it’s almost as embarrassing to watch. He hops up, forcing Renji to crane his neck just to look at him funny. “Why are you here?"

Hisagi cracks a lopsided smile; Renji decides this must be why Izuru likes him so much. That damn smile. It’s not even that attractive, it’s actually really awkward. _It’s the teeth_. “I came here to see if you guys wanted to get drinks tonight. Or something."

  
_Or something?_  Renji opens his mouth, ready to gripe about the exams they have coming up and how they need to use that time to study, but Izuru beats him to it. “We’d love to!"

…or not.

Renji tugs at the bottom of Izuru’s hakama. “Hey, Kira, we have exams in Theoretical Kido and Ethics in like two weeks. We can’t go out.” Renji can’t imagine anything more thrilling than spending a rigorous evening studying advanced kido techniques when he still can’t even get shakkaho right. 

Izuru’s eyebrows come together. “But, Abarai-kun, it’s Friday! And it’s Hisagi-senpai — I’m sure that his experience is a lot more valuable than going over our notes. Isn’t that right, Hisagi-senpai?"

_Thanks, Kira._  At least Hisagi looks about as uncomfortable with this endorsement as Renji is. For his part, Renji opens his mouth, prepared to find  _some_  excuse to sit this one out when–

“Ah, actually — I shouldn’t… achoo!” Renji has to crane his neck to see Momo as she sneezes into the open air, causing a flutter of leaves into the air. She wipes her nose on the sleeve of her uniform and blinks up at Hisagi. “I think I’d better stay home… You guys go have fun, though!"

Renji tries again to think of an excuse, but the image hits him — Hisagi and Izuru, out together. Drinking together. Spending time together. Laughing late into the night– 

Yeah, no. Renji has to go with them, just because. Because Izuru is too… Izuru doesn’t know things. No sense of self-awareness. And for all that he’s their senpai, Renji doesn’t trust Hisagi as far as he can throw him.  _Someone_  has to be around to… to make sure that Izuru doesn’t get mugged walking home afterwards. Or something. Yeah. 

Renji grabs his lunch and stands up very abruptly, making Izuru jump next to him. “Yeah, alright. We’ll see you at seven."

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s late, far too late for Izuru’s voice to be bouncing off the buildings as they walk. Too late for them to be out in the first place, but that’s their own damn fault for staying out past curfew. Or perhaps it’s Hisagi’s fault, for inviting them to a bar in the first place. Then again, it was also Hisagi who stopped them at two drinks apiece, so perhaps blaming the irresponsibility on him is unfair.

Izuru’s two drinks left him emotional, prone to babbling, and clingy, which is to say he’s only slightly more embarrassing to Renji than usual. He managed to walk from his seat in the bar to the door just fine, but somewhere between the threshold and the road he’d latched onto Renji’s arm. Renji, whose two drinks left him cranky and sleepy, couldn’t be bothered to tell Izuru to get off or push him away.

“I’m so glad Hisagi-senpai is a seated officer. Maybe we should join his squad when we graduate! Except then Hinamori-kun will be lonely in Fifth Division. What do you think, Abarai-kun?”

Renji grunted out something that sounded like ‘maybe’ and kept pressing toward their quarters. Any other night, he would be vigilant and on the lookout for the patrols that probably started an hour or two before. Instead, Izuru’s being annoying. How is he supposed to concentrate on more than one thing?

“It’s just... it’s too bad Hinamori-kun couldn’t come with us, huh? Maybe we should go visit her! I know — we can go buy her some soup, and then bring her the soup. That’ll help her feel better!”

“Kira, be quiet! You’re gonna get us caught.” Does the kid have any sense of his surroundings at all? They’re still in a part of Seireitei inhabited by... well, by not Academy students. If a patrol doesn’t stop them, surely one of the residents will come after them with a... with a really big knife or a zanpakuto or something. (Do rich people have really big knives ready for use in their homes?)

For some reason, this makes Izuru’s grip on zher arm get tighter. “Oh! Sorry.” Renji looks down to see a confused expression on his face, still plump with baby-fat, as he bites his lip. “I feel bad that Hinamori-kun is sick, though... I bet she would’ve had a lot of fun! She’s great, too.”

At least Izuru isn’t talking so loud now. Renji manages a hum that resembles agreement, looking away from him as his elbow ends up nestled right at the center of Izuru’s chest.

Izuru goes quiet for a little bit, then pipes up yet again. “I’m sorry; I like you a lot too, Abarai-kun! I didn’t mean to leave you out.”

Renji, who definitely hadn’t been grumpy about that at all, shrugs and tries to move the pair of them along. “Kira, it’s late. You’re drunk. You need to sleep–”

“I’m not drunk... I just like you so much, Abarai-kun! I’m so glad you’re my friend; I was afraid I wouldn’t have any friends, but I got you and you’re my friend...”

Renji can’t believe it; Izuru is actually crying. Only a little bit, but it’s on his arm and his sleeve and he can’t glare at Izuru too hard. They’re stopped under a street lamp, Izuru gazing up at Renji, Renji blinking at the raw tears in his classmate’s eyes. “Look, forget it, let’s just get back to–”

“I could kiss you.”

It’s as though the flame in the street lamp froze. Renji can count the seconds in between his heart beating; he can feel the individual fibers of his shihakusho, and he can feel Izuru’s hands, warm and alive, pressing into his elbow.

“You don’t mean that.” There’s no way Izuru would say that sober, or if he did, it certainly wouldn’t be something stated outright, with blond hair like a halo under firelight... “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

Renji wants to close his ears against the words he knows are bound to follow. “But I  _do_  mean them! I’ve wanted to for a long time.” They certainly weren’t going anywhere  _now_ , not with Izuru hanging off his arm like an anchor. “I know I shouldn’t, since you’re my roommate and we’re both boys and mother said I should only kiss someone I wanted to marry, but–”

“You’re babbling, Kira.” Renji can’t look at Izuru’s face any longer than necessary right now. He can’t afford to want what he’s offering, not when he has his own fair share of desires. Conflicting desires, desires that he’s stomped down for so long that zhe can scarcely imagine they matter. “ _We’re going_.”

For some reason, this is what makes Izuru release his vice-like grip on Renji’s arm. He feels the path those fingers trace down his arm as they fall away. And Izuru proves himself perfectly capable of walking in a straight path as they finish the journey to the Academy, to the barracks, to the room they share.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you that...”

“It’s fine,” Renji says quickly, fumbling with the key. Locks are hard for him, not made for such large fingers. Really, he just doesn’t want Izuru to start crying again. “Don’t worry about it.”

He pushes the door open. Apparently, two drinks isn’t enough to do more than give him a slight headache, which is all he has to show for his efforts. It seems like Izuru’s buzz is dying down as well, based on his sluggish movements. Renji watches him untie the laces on his sandals and kick them off, sending them skidding under the bed.

“Hey,” Renji says. He crosses the small space of their room before he can stop himself.

Izuru looks up, and through the dark Renji imagines that he looks dejected and sad and guilty, as he often does when his enthusiasm meets with the world’s apathy. With _Renji’s_ apathy. Now completely barefoot and just starting on his obi, he stops, nimble fingers instead finding holds on his sleeves. “What is it, Abarai-kun?”

He has to crouch nearly a whole foot just to get to eye level, bending at the waist and leaning on the edge of his bunk for support.

“I’m sorry too,” he says, and kisses him.

It’s a clumsy little bird of a kiss — fluttering like Izuru’s eyelashes, wheezing with the breath that Renji didn’t realize he’d been holding — and it nearly falls apart before Izuru’s brain catches up with what’s going on. But then his eyes gain lucidity before he closes them entirely, and Renji watches as his face becomes relaxed, and he wonders if he should close his eyes too, and he wonders if he made a huge, huge mistake.

It ends unexpectedly soon (to Renji’s relief and dismay), with Izuru looking dazed and even more sleepy than he had moments before. He stares at Renji for a good thirty seconds before the latter realizes that he should probably say something, if only to stop them each staring at the other.

“Get some rest, okay?” Renji finally tells him, before turning away and crawling into his own bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes.

Despite his own advice, Renji is awake for a long time after Izuru’s breathing falls off into deep sleep. He’s too busy trying to figure out at what point he convinced the boy on the bed across from him that he was good, and nice, and attractive, and worth loving. And at what point he wanted him to think exactly that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Izuru wakes up, it’s in his own bed, smelling of yesterday’s sweat and the distant fragrance of sake. He can’t remember anything that happened the night before. Renji, whose damp, freshly-washed hair hangs around his face like copper wire, frowns and says nothing.


End file.
